Hey guys
I’m being super emo today just like I was yesterday. Yesterday it was worse by far but today is kinda bad too. I’m just having a rough time adjusting to my current situation. Back to being just me, back to the wall and the world on my shoulders. It’s not a very easy transition for me because I’ve become used to having support from the Mrs. I like being able to express myself to my other half. And now I don’t have a lot to say to nobody.
It’s not that she doesn’t want to talk to me. She does and we talk and stuff. It’s just that I don’t want to confide in her like I use to because now it’s just person to person instead of me to the most wonderful person on the face of the planet. Now I’m just like “ughhhhhh” all the time, even when she is talking to me.
I’m so lonely... no girlfriend, no girl to talk to, no way of finding new girl to talk to, no close friends to confide in, no cell phone, no nothing, just me. Yesterday I was at a restaurant eating with my family when this song came on my I-pod called nude by Radiohead, and a couple of things happened to me:
1.the lyrics made me sad as hell.
All the song talks about is how nothing matters cuz everything will break and nothing works and it never did and all of these things and it’s a good song but it’s also really sad. And immediately I started thinking about her and us and all of that and then the second thing happened
2.I remembered something from her
About a month ago we were sitting up listing to each other talk and having a blast in the middle of the night when we start talking about this very song. This song that already meant something to me before we talked about it meant a whole lot more now. This was one of our songs now and I stumbled onto that fact in a roundabout way.
As I listened to the lyrics I heard it. There’s this one part of the song where Thom York says “don’t care then, be honest, never gonna happen” and it always affects me in some way. This time tho instead of felling chills run down my spine I felt tears stream down my face and onto the table. Deep down somewhere i hear my voice say "i dont fall in love, love dosent exist." Thankfully the rest of my family was busy eating their hearts out so I just whipped it up with my sleeves.
The fact that I needed a new prom date didn’t help either. I spent the ride home wondering what I was going to do. I decided to go the rash and impulsive way and just announce over facebook that I needed a prom date. This initially wasn’t a good idea. Within a matter of seconds I didn’t get a good response from a facebook “friend” an old class mate of mine. But later I shut her up with the amount of date replies that I got. 5 messages and 1 Kirby who wouldn’t mind walking from San Antonio to Houston to be my prom date. That cheered me up quite a bit
But now I’m emo again because I’m still lonely. And hungry. Guys ima go find someone to talk to and some eats –looks at red haired Asian and thinks about my extra stash of food I brought-
I’ll be ok for a while.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
How’s it feel to be single?
Hey guys I’m back for another installment into my randomly updated blog and today ill like to talk about something recent. As some of you may know I am now currently single and it sucks. But before I get into all of that I wana get into this…
Q: “So, how does it feel to be single?”
A: “….”
Ok how the hell am I supposed to answer that? Seriously guys why would anyone ask such a difficult question? It’s really hard to find anything to say to this in any situation let alone my own for a few reasons.
1. A too happy answer makes you sound like a jerk
If your response is anything like “awesome”, or “pretty good” .or “sweet”, congratulations you’re a douche bag. You lose any credibility of being a human being with feelings. And maybe if you find a way to retain your credibility with a second comeback sentence you lose by not being compassionate for your ex’s feelings even if they’re the same. This response in general is not classy or good for yourself standing with your peers (unless you’re all jerks then in that case congrats on finding equally as retarded people to hang out with), or good for your ex’s psyche.
2. A sad answer makes you seem emo.
Sadly no matter how much you were emotionally invested in a relationship if it all falls apart and you respond with something like “f@#kng sucks” then everyone is going to assume that you are on the verge of becoming and/or already an emo. It’s a very quick and rash assumption but it’s one that people make every day and will keep making until taught otherwise. In my personal opinion I don’t see why you can’t express your negative feelings like this without people assuming the worse. If it were up to me then it would be whatever, but it is what it is.
3. A strait up neutral answer makes you seem disinterested.
Once again, if you wana sound like a jerk off say something along the lines of “ok” or “its fine I guess” with nothing more than a small smile. Being neutral makes you sound disinterested and this can be your reflection apon you’re ex. Where you disinterested in your ex? It sure sounds like it when you say something like this.
So what did I answer?
A: “it doesn’t”
I threw in a little humor. And it’s actually how I feel. I mean I don’t feel a billion times worse or better being single. I mean I would much rather be back with my girl… I don’t think that being single has a particular feeling to it. Well….. I guess you can say being single can be a synonym for being lonely, which is how I feel but other than that the word single doesn’t come with an exact feeling for me especially in this context.
wait you guys thought i was going to air my dirty laundry here? haha thats funny...
Q: “So, how does it feel to be single?”
A: “….”
Ok how the hell am I supposed to answer that? Seriously guys why would anyone ask such a difficult question? It’s really hard to find anything to say to this in any situation let alone my own for a few reasons.
1. A too happy answer makes you sound like a jerk
If your response is anything like “awesome”, or “pretty good” .or “sweet”, congratulations you’re a douche bag. You lose any credibility of being a human being with feelings. And maybe if you find a way to retain your credibility with a second comeback sentence you lose by not being compassionate for your ex’s feelings even if they’re the same. This response in general is not classy or good for yourself standing with your peers (unless you’re all jerks then in that case congrats on finding equally as retarded people to hang out with), or good for your ex’s psyche.
2. A sad answer makes you seem emo.
Sadly no matter how much you were emotionally invested in a relationship if it all falls apart and you respond with something like “f@#kng sucks” then everyone is going to assume that you are on the verge of becoming and/or already an emo. It’s a very quick and rash assumption but it’s one that people make every day and will keep making until taught otherwise. In my personal opinion I don’t see why you can’t express your negative feelings like this without people assuming the worse. If it were up to me then it would be whatever, but it is what it is.
3. A strait up neutral answer makes you seem disinterested.
Once again, if you wana sound like a jerk off say something along the lines of “ok” or “its fine I guess” with nothing more than a small smile. Being neutral makes you sound disinterested and this can be your reflection apon you’re ex. Where you disinterested in your ex? It sure sounds like it when you say something like this.
So what did I answer?
A: “it doesn’t”
I threw in a little humor. And it’s actually how I feel. I mean I don’t feel a billion times worse or better being single. I mean I would much rather be back with my girl… I don’t think that being single has a particular feeling to it. Well….. I guess you can say being single can be a synonym for being lonely, which is how I feel but other than that the word single doesn’t come with an exact feeling for me especially in this context.
wait you guys thought i was going to air my dirty laundry here? haha thats funny...
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I need to make music dammit!!!
Ok so it’s been a little too long since I last wrote a song and even longer since I last recorded some music. To my fans and friends who are wondering I want to apologies for being out of it for so long. I haven’t even posted a note on facebook in forever and I used to do that like all the time. Things are changing for me in ways I don’t quite understand. I don’t have the same vigor towards the same subject s that concerned me before. I guess it’s why I started calling myself something different in conjunction with my original emcee name, prof-b (pronounced Professor b). Now I’m known as not only Prof-B but as Apollo. (The name is a story for another time entirely)
I think it is a safe assumption to say that my style is developing as an artist and that I do not quite grasp what direction I am going. I seem to be sea weed drifting between the changing currents of the oceans wondering where I will land. The only think I know is where I have been as an artist so I guess I’ll go from there.
I started rapping as a way to escape. I made music because it was something to do in class back in 7th grade. I always knew one thing from the very beginning, I wanted to be different. My taste in music has changed and my style has repeatedly changed but I still hold on to that one true desire to be different than everyone. Original. Unique. Hell weird would even do it. I soon found a niche in rap and stuck too it I wanted to enrich. I wanted to show and teach anyone who would listen, the wrongs of the world and the ways to be better as people. You know, stop aids, cure hunger, all of those rainbows and unicorns. That was me sometime around the end of 8th grade. I wanted big things and I rode a high horse. Back then I want to admit that the world was still black and white. Every evil was outlined every right was shown. Overtime I have found the grey, all of it. The genocides, oppressions, destruction, covert annihilation, doomsday, the cast system, and the very first understanding that other religions are as valid as my own, steam rolled one by one into my consciousness and into my life.
Looking back I see this as the first real push from my analytical and book consciousness into my now artistical and world consciousness. I went from learning to understanding and in a very short time frame. In my southmore and junior year I made yet another transition from my very thoughtful person to one of very high running emotions. I believe this was best described in a line I wrote “I once wrote raps to impress my friends, now I make songs to make the bad dreams end”. Now though the bad dreams are gone, so where do I go from here?
So basically I wrote this to explain where I was, were I am and where I’m going. I’ve answered 2/3 that’s passing right?
As far as my hiatus goes I’m not sure why I stopped or when everything will come back so that I can keep on making music but I do want to make 2 songs I already drew up. One of them is about a year old and the other about 4 months. When I’m done I’ll let you know. Till then this is Prof-b aka Apollo sining out, dazed and confused…
I think it is a safe assumption to say that my style is developing as an artist and that I do not quite grasp what direction I am going. I seem to be sea weed drifting between the changing currents of the oceans wondering where I will land. The only think I know is where I have been as an artist so I guess I’ll go from there.
I started rapping as a way to escape. I made music because it was something to do in class back in 7th grade. I always knew one thing from the very beginning, I wanted to be different. My taste in music has changed and my style has repeatedly changed but I still hold on to that one true desire to be different than everyone. Original. Unique. Hell weird would even do it. I soon found a niche in rap and stuck too it I wanted to enrich. I wanted to show and teach anyone who would listen, the wrongs of the world and the ways to be better as people. You know, stop aids, cure hunger, all of those rainbows and unicorns. That was me sometime around the end of 8th grade. I wanted big things and I rode a high horse. Back then I want to admit that the world was still black and white. Every evil was outlined every right was shown. Overtime I have found the grey, all of it. The genocides, oppressions, destruction, covert annihilation, doomsday, the cast system, and the very first understanding that other religions are as valid as my own, steam rolled one by one into my consciousness and into my life.
Looking back I see this as the first real push from my analytical and book consciousness into my now artistical and world consciousness. I went from learning to understanding and in a very short time frame. In my southmore and junior year I made yet another transition from my very thoughtful person to one of very high running emotions. I believe this was best described in a line I wrote “I once wrote raps to impress my friends, now I make songs to make the bad dreams end”. Now though the bad dreams are gone, so where do I go from here?
So basically I wrote this to explain where I was, were I am and where I’m going. I’ve answered 2/3 that’s passing right?
As far as my hiatus goes I’m not sure why I stopped or when everything will come back so that I can keep on making music but I do want to make 2 songs I already drew up. One of them is about a year old and the other about 4 months. When I’m done I’ll let you know. Till then this is Prof-b aka Apollo sining out, dazed and confused…
Thursday, February 10, 2011
adults and double standards
So yesterday I’m going to my advocacy class to chill for about 45 mins until lunch time. Usually in advocacy I try and relax as much as possible to make sure that I am not stressed in my final two classes which have a history of being quite taxing, but today I decide that I am going to be productive and finish homework in my 45 min break. This particular assignment asked of me to make a speech about something and bring a example of that something and I ask the teacher politely if I can print out a image to complete the assignment. He agrees and I proceed to walk around 15 to 20 feet to the very next room where there was a printer.
After about 10 seconds of clicking icons and typing an adult in power comes in the room and demands that everyone inside has to go to their advocacy because the “center is not gonna be a place where you can hang out.” Originally I thought that because I was just printing out one image and going back to my advocacy class which was only about 20 ft away and a 8 second walk that if I just explained what I was doing and do it then I wouldn’t have any problems and we could both go about our ways in as an administrator and a student. But of corse this was not the case
Person: “Brian what are you doing?’
Me: “Oh im just printing out an imag-“
The intercom interrupts the conversation with a list of students to report to the office
Person: “What are you doing on the computer and why arnt you in your advocacy?”
Me: “Im printing out an image and my advocacy teacher gave me permission to come in here (a maximum of 20 feet away (and I point towards him)) and pr-“
Person: “what exactly are you printing?”
Me: “A image for my home work assignment in which I ne-“
Person: “What do you mean print an image? Because first of all printing out in anything in here will cost you 25ct per page s-“
Me:”Well I will PAY that 25 cents if you just let me print out the page!”
Person; “Excuse me? Did you just lose it? Do you know who you're talking to? Why don’t you just turn off your computer and go to your advocacy right now?
Me: “yes ma’am”
I violently and quickly press the alt and F4 keys until the computer is at its shutdown screen and I walk into the next room. As I turn to shut down the computer I hear the councilor enter the room and say “Oh Mr, Smith that was offensive to me and you weren’t even talking to me”
Now of course raising your voice at anyone isn’t the answer to your problems. But even a even tempered Brian like I usually am cannot communicate effectively to these difficult people. Honestly if I wasn’t pushed into that corner like I was right there I wouldn’t have yelled. I would have been slightly bugged because of the pestering and asking of questions but that’s understandable. Its your job to make sure that im doing my job as a student so of corse you are inclined to ask what this 18 year old is doing on the computer while he should be in his advocacy class. The problem here comes from two things; 1 the quick adversity to block me from completing my goals and 2 the lack of respect that is given to me, the student.
Now as far as I know the administrative position at any school is entailed by two things: to make sure the school is running properly and to make sure the students are functioning properly. So at first glance, a student on a computer in a room without any supervision looks like something that you would need to fix. But if upon further investigation if the student has supervision or permission from a teacher and is on task then the student should be left alone correct? This was definitely not the case with her at that time. She was determined to move me from the chair the second that she steeped into the room and no middle ground would be compromised upon. This failure to listen and compromise caused the tension and forced me into this corner. My fight or flight scene kicked in and instantly I felt my voice raise without knowing that it did. That outburst that might have been avoided if the administrator would open her ears to me, and listen, and stand on a middle ground with me instead of apposing me.
Now the other part of this argument is respect. I constantly hear about how the younger generation fails to respect their elders or adults that are around them. I find myself as an exception because I always talk to the adults who are around me with the utmost respect. I always say Mr. or Mrs., I always look them in the eye or shake their hand. I always listen attentively and stay quiet and speek when spoken to and all of those unwritten rules, but it’s very hard to give respect when you receive none in return. I felt very disrespected and very belittled as the conversation between me and her progressed. Every sentence I spoke was interrupted prematurely and I found the need to speek faster and faster in a attempt to keep the short tempered administrator appeased. Conversations between normal human beings should not be like this. Respect first and foremost should be revived and given no matter how old a person is. And to be technical, I am a adult as seen by the united states government and if they have the decency to respect me then the administrator, as a fellow adult should respect me too. Its only fair, and I don’t see why that administrator wouldn’t pay me the same respect as the government does to me when it is the government who pays your wages though budgeting. Im just saying
Demand respect only after you have given it in return. Those who receive respect out of power alone receive fake power as well.
That’s more than enough ranting for today. Hopefully this was helpful for something other than my personal well being.
After about 10 seconds of clicking icons and typing an adult in power comes in the room and demands that everyone inside has to go to their advocacy because the “center is not gonna be a place where you can hang out.” Originally I thought that because I was just printing out one image and going back to my advocacy class which was only about 20 ft away and a 8 second walk that if I just explained what I was doing and do it then I wouldn’t have any problems and we could both go about our ways in as an administrator and a student. But of corse this was not the case
Person: “Brian what are you doing?’
Me: “Oh im just printing out an imag-“
The intercom interrupts the conversation with a list of students to report to the office
Person: “What are you doing on the computer and why arnt you in your advocacy?”
Me: “Im printing out an image and my advocacy teacher gave me permission to come in here (a maximum of 20 feet away (and I point towards him)) and pr-“
Person: “what exactly are you printing?”
Me: “A image for my home work assignment in which I ne-“
Person: “What do you mean print an image? Because first of all printing out in anything in here will cost you 25ct per page s-“
Me:”Well I will PAY that 25 cents if you just let me print out the page!”
Person; “Excuse me? Did you just lose it? Do you know who you're talking to? Why don’t you just turn off your computer and go to your advocacy right now?
Me: “yes ma’am”
I violently and quickly press the alt and F4 keys until the computer is at its shutdown screen and I walk into the next room. As I turn to shut down the computer I hear the councilor enter the room and say “Oh Mr, Smith that was offensive to me and you weren’t even talking to me”
Now of course raising your voice at anyone isn’t the answer to your problems. But even a even tempered Brian like I usually am cannot communicate effectively to these difficult people. Honestly if I wasn’t pushed into that corner like I was right there I wouldn’t have yelled. I would have been slightly bugged because of the pestering and asking of questions but that’s understandable. Its your job to make sure that im doing my job as a student so of corse you are inclined to ask what this 18 year old is doing on the computer while he should be in his advocacy class. The problem here comes from two things; 1 the quick adversity to block me from completing my goals and 2 the lack of respect that is given to me, the student.
Now as far as I know the administrative position at any school is entailed by two things: to make sure the school is running properly and to make sure the students are functioning properly. So at first glance, a student on a computer in a room without any supervision looks like something that you would need to fix. But if upon further investigation if the student has supervision or permission from a teacher and is on task then the student should be left alone correct? This was definitely not the case with her at that time. She was determined to move me from the chair the second that she steeped into the room and no middle ground would be compromised upon. This failure to listen and compromise caused the tension and forced me into this corner. My fight or flight scene kicked in and instantly I felt my voice raise without knowing that it did. That outburst that might have been avoided if the administrator would open her ears to me, and listen, and stand on a middle ground with me instead of apposing me.
Now the other part of this argument is respect. I constantly hear about how the younger generation fails to respect their elders or adults that are around them. I find myself as an exception because I always talk to the adults who are around me with the utmost respect. I always say Mr. or Mrs., I always look them in the eye or shake their hand. I always listen attentively and stay quiet and speek when spoken to and all of those unwritten rules, but it’s very hard to give respect when you receive none in return. I felt very disrespected and very belittled as the conversation between me and her progressed. Every sentence I spoke was interrupted prematurely and I found the need to speek faster and faster in a attempt to keep the short tempered administrator appeased. Conversations between normal human beings should not be like this. Respect first and foremost should be revived and given no matter how old a person is. And to be technical, I am a adult as seen by the united states government and if they have the decency to respect me then the administrator, as a fellow adult should respect me too. Its only fair, and I don’t see why that administrator wouldn’t pay me the same respect as the government does to me when it is the government who pays your wages though budgeting. Im just saying
Demand respect only after you have given it in return. Those who receive respect out of power alone receive fake power as well.
That’s more than enough ranting for today. Hopefully this was helpful for something other than my personal well being.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Oh my god what did I just get into
Ok so remember my post about a week ago were I said I was getting a schedule change from her class? Well I did and im just now seeing the class that I changed into and its full of freshmen. Just chock full to the brim of fishys. Everywhere. And this would be an ok fact if any of them were an any way intelegent human beings but no, I got the stupid, ghetto, lame, freshman class. One of them who got on my nerves before is in here and todays interaction didn’t go off to well. Heres a transcript:
-I walk into class and look around and find a seat far away from the people that I thought would give me problems. On my way to a seat he appears-
Him: “blah blah blah blah blah who the fuck are you”
Me: -just waking up looks at him and keeps walking-
Him: “Blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAH TALK MOTAFUCKA”
Me: -keeps walking-
Him “BLAHBLAHBLAHARARAARA” –runs into my arm while I’m ignoring him-
Me: -now surrounded by fishys and no seat in sight is forced to talk- “im IN this class now SHIT” –finds a seat when crowd thins out-
Ok heres a side note I didn’t find a way to add in. He is extremely flamboyant but says he’s not gay (he is VERRY OVIOUSLY GAY by the way). He’s one of those extremely not awesome gay people, the kind that get on my nerves all the time.
Ok let me explain. From what I can tell there are two types of the GLBT community in the world (GLBT stands for gay lesbian bisexual and transgender for the people who don’t know). The first kind is what I call the cool people for a lack of a better name. These are the ones who are deferent but are awesome with their differences. Like the mayor of Houston or a Dj or a couple of friends that I know who are just really awesome to be around. And then there is the extremely un-cool people, the gay guys who get on everyones nerves because they try too hard or do too much, the lesbians who are always pissed for no reason, ect ect ect.
Now I know that some people are really just like that and that’s fine. They don’t fall into the uncool group because they have those characteristics. It’s the ones that have these characteristics and act very uncool that are in the uncool group.
For example:
lez that’s just mad all the time = perfectly fine with me
lez that wants to fight everyone on a daily basis = not perfectly fine at all.
And the sad part is for every really cool person of the GLBT that I find I seem to find atleast 5 other not cool ones. And it angers me to a point because the ones that I do find that are cool are the ones that I stick up for when I debate people for gay rights. They’re the ones that I look up to, the really awesome people who just happen to be deferent from me. But the ones that I keep seeing after that are the ones I really don’t give a shit about. They keep giving the GLBT a bad rep cuz every time I try to say that we need gay rights people give me examples of people who they don’t want to give those rights to… and some of them I have to agree on. But that’s still beyond the point for me I think that everyone should have equal rights in this country no matter how uncool they are. Its just hard to argue for them sometimes.
*super side note
dude ive already posted twice this week and its only Tuesday morning D:
this is going to be a long week.
-I walk into class and look around and find a seat far away from the people that I thought would give me problems. On my way to a seat he appears-
Him: “blah blah blah blah blah who the fuck are you”
Me: -just waking up looks at him and keeps walking-
Him: “Blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAH TALK MOTAFUCKA”
Me: -keeps walking-
Him “BLAHBLAHBLAHARARAARA” –runs into my arm while I’m ignoring him-
Me: -now surrounded by fishys and no seat in sight is forced to talk- “im IN this class now SHIT” –finds a seat when crowd thins out-
Ok heres a side note I didn’t find a way to add in. He is extremely flamboyant but says he’s not gay (he is VERRY OVIOUSLY GAY by the way). He’s one of those extremely not awesome gay people, the kind that get on my nerves all the time.
Ok let me explain. From what I can tell there are two types of the GLBT community in the world (GLBT stands for gay lesbian bisexual and transgender for the people who don’t know). The first kind is what I call the cool people for a lack of a better name. These are the ones who are deferent but are awesome with their differences. Like the mayor of Houston or a Dj or a couple of friends that I know who are just really awesome to be around. And then there is the extremely un-cool people, the gay guys who get on everyones nerves because they try too hard or do too much, the lesbians who are always pissed for no reason, ect ect ect.
Now I know that some people are really just like that and that’s fine. They don’t fall into the uncool group because they have those characteristics. It’s the ones that have these characteristics and act very uncool that are in the uncool group.
For example:
lez that’s just mad all the time = perfectly fine with me
lez that wants to fight everyone on a daily basis = not perfectly fine at all.
And the sad part is for every really cool person of the GLBT that I find I seem to find atleast 5 other not cool ones. And it angers me to a point because the ones that I do find that are cool are the ones that I stick up for when I debate people for gay rights. They’re the ones that I look up to, the really awesome people who just happen to be deferent from me. But the ones that I keep seeing after that are the ones I really don’t give a shit about. They keep giving the GLBT a bad rep cuz every time I try to say that we need gay rights people give me examples of people who they don’t want to give those rights to… and some of them I have to agree on. But that’s still beyond the point for me I think that everyone should have equal rights in this country no matter how uncool they are. Its just hard to argue for them sometimes.
*super side note
dude ive already posted twice this week and its only Tuesday morning D:
this is going to be a long week.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Another Winter's End
It’s about that time of year again where the weather gets funky cuz the seasons are changing (cept in Houston the weather is bi-polar and never really decided to get cold this year but it’s still a reasonable change). This time of year reminds me about how I’m getting older every day and how life seems to just flash by me. It felt like only yesterday that it was this time last year and I and my friend Az (who is a female) were in the middle of a tragic love pentagon. Yea I said it, pentagon.
Basically this is what happened Me and Az were friends right? So we held up to the bottom of the pentagon while Az liked guy A and B (who were best friends and liked her back) held up the points. And right in the middle of the pentagon was my love, Ivy, who was in a relationship with guy A. Now with this said it got pretty interesting. Me and Az played mental chess with guys A and B figuring if we can get one to commit to saying that they liked her then the pentagon would fall and thus we both would get what we wanted. I would get ivy and she would get whichever guy liked her enough to commit.
Months went by and it felt like we were actually making progress to achieving our goal. It was a grueling process. One step forward could turn into 2 steps back which in turn could turn into 5 steps forward and so on and so on. Eventually though we started getting desperate. We played the game out of desperation realizing that unless something drastic happened there wouldn’t be a reason to keep the game going any longer. The Friday before spring break we got our break. Ivy buckled and dumped guy A during lunch the Friday before spring break.
Me and Az agreed that if we couldn’t achieve what we wanted before the end of spring break then we would stop this madness and give up. Our cell phones in hand we were determined to court our desirable loves. Hours and hours we spent instead of enjoying our break trying to keep in touch with them at all cost without seeming stalker-ish or none of that. We got to about Thursday or Friday without any problems. Then I guess they figured out what happened and decided to just not txt us back for Saturday and Sunday.
Monday we knew we were doomed. Before the day was over the happy couple was back together and we were effectively back at square one. Game over. No true love prevailing happy ending for this side, no Disney ending, no overly romantic dramatic conclusion which the good guys win, just a box of tissues to clean up your broken heart and a cold dark room to think in.
I look back on those days and I see a few things about myself that scare me. One of which is my enduring purist of happiness and my commitment to it. My eyes were set on an un-obtainable prize and to this day when I see that I wish somewhere deep inside me that something could have been different so that I could come out victorious with the girl of my dreams. Another thing that pops out at me is the unbelievable emotional destruction that followed those months. Because I was so focused trying to get her I didn’t give up and I kept trying and trying until I reached a breaking point were my unimaginable emotional pain exploded into me. I took my anger out on everything and even myself. I went to go play basketball the same day and really fucked up my ankle. I sprained it so bad that the doctor thought it was a break. The following 2 weeks I spent on crutches angry at the world and then after that I was numb, just numb to everything.
Then I did things I regret like date this chick cuz it was convenient and played and messed around with her cuz it was there and blah blah blah. Honestly I don’t even remember her until someone brings her up and thin I get mad at myself when they do. If everyone is entitled to make mistakes, can we just say that she was my mistake and get it over with?
Even today my emotional destruction is evident and there but I don’t want to exactly tell why because its treading on thin ice subjects that I’m not exactly at liberty to discuss. It’s funny tho, every time I’m out side and a cold breeze hits me especially around the last 2 weeks I’m taken back to last year in a flash. I guess it’s just that time of year again
Basically this is what happened Me and Az were friends right? So we held up to the bottom of the pentagon while Az liked guy A and B (who were best friends and liked her back) held up the points. And right in the middle of the pentagon was my love, Ivy, who was in a relationship with guy A. Now with this said it got pretty interesting. Me and Az played mental chess with guys A and B figuring if we can get one to commit to saying that they liked her then the pentagon would fall and thus we both would get what we wanted. I would get ivy and she would get whichever guy liked her enough to commit.Months went by and it felt like we were actually making progress to achieving our goal. It was a grueling process. One step forward could turn into 2 steps back which in turn could turn into 5 steps forward and so on and so on. Eventually though we started getting desperate. We played the game out of desperation realizing that unless something drastic happened there wouldn’t be a reason to keep the game going any longer. The Friday before spring break we got our break. Ivy buckled and dumped guy A during lunch the Friday before spring break.
Me and Az agreed that if we couldn’t achieve what we wanted before the end of spring break then we would stop this madness and give up. Our cell phones in hand we were determined to court our desirable loves. Hours and hours we spent instead of enjoying our break trying to keep in touch with them at all cost without seeming stalker-ish or none of that. We got to about Thursday or Friday without any problems. Then I guess they figured out what happened and decided to just not txt us back for Saturday and Sunday.
Monday we knew we were doomed. Before the day was over the happy couple was back together and we were effectively back at square one. Game over. No true love prevailing happy ending for this side, no Disney ending, no overly romantic dramatic conclusion which the good guys win, just a box of tissues to clean up your broken heart and a cold dark room to think in.
I look back on those days and I see a few things about myself that scare me. One of which is my enduring purist of happiness and my commitment to it. My eyes were set on an un-obtainable prize and to this day when I see that I wish somewhere deep inside me that something could have been different so that I could come out victorious with the girl of my dreams. Another thing that pops out at me is the unbelievable emotional destruction that followed those months. Because I was so focused trying to get her I didn’t give up and I kept trying and trying until I reached a breaking point were my unimaginable emotional pain exploded into me. I took my anger out on everything and even myself. I went to go play basketball the same day and really fucked up my ankle. I sprained it so bad that the doctor thought it was a break. The following 2 weeks I spent on crutches angry at the world and then after that I was numb, just numb to everything.
Then I did things I regret like date this chick cuz it was convenient and played and messed around with her cuz it was there and blah blah blah. Honestly I don’t even remember her until someone brings her up and thin I get mad at myself when they do. If everyone is entitled to make mistakes, can we just say that she was my mistake and get it over with?
Even today my emotional destruction is evident and there but I don’t want to exactly tell why because its treading on thin ice subjects that I’m not exactly at liberty to discuss. It’s funny tho, every time I’m out side and a cold breeze hits me especially around the last 2 weeks I’m taken back to last year in a flash. I guess it’s just that time of year again
Thursday, January 27, 2011
HEY GUYS!!! ITS STORY TIMEEEE
WELCOME BACK TO MY BLOG! Hi guys I missed ya. I have a lot of free time on my hands now and I figure if I am being productive in some sort of way while these countless hours in this class pass by that not only will I not get in so much trouble like I have been in the last couple of weeks but I will also get better at writing. Supposedly I am moving classes and stuff but I haven’t seen the paperwork so I can’t say that it’s going to happen. In the mean time I need something to do that won’t have me in the office every other week for no reason.
So here I am and this is it. I’ll write up again on my blog like I used to about two years ago. Each time I’m in this class ill just pull up a word doc and just go to work on what’s on my mind. Not only will it help me become a better writer but it will help me blow off some steam like I kinda need to sometimes.
FOR EXAMPLE: The other day I was sitting here in my seat actually doing work towards my Eagle Scout rank which I will have by the end of the week when the school s administrator came and pulled me out of class. Back track here a few hours to when I was sitting in the same seat in a different class period. Here I was doing my work like I usually do and trying to do an especially good job with this particular assignment. The class was supposed to do a short editing assignment and at the end of said assignment give the teacher a one slide evaluation. When we were given the assignment me and some other students asked if there was anything we needed to talk about or any criteria or anything or blah blah blah. She said just evaluate her and I took this as an opportunity to tell her some of the things that I thought were wrong with the way she teaches.
Of course this is never a good idea. EVER. But in my perfect world what I expected was after I sent in my assignment then a dialogue would be started between each student and the teacher about what we critiqued her on and why we said the things we did. Maybe come to an agreement between us or something. God I was wrong.
Fast forward now to the office of the school administrator where I sat patiently waiting to hear what I had been summoned for. Usually when I am in the office I don’t expect the worse or that I am going to get in trouble. There I sat, listening attentively, eyes on the administrator, smile on my face… you know the usual behavior that I use when talking to adults respectively. She sits down at her desk and says that my teacher had called for her after I said some very disrespectful remarks to her in my assignment. Then and there my eyes went wide. I could feel the pupils shrink in each eye and the fight or flight since kick in. I concentrated to keep myself under control while I asked all the right questions trying to get to the bottom of this myself.
I didn’t understand. How can I get in trouble for saying what I did? My whole body went numb for a few seconds as I realized what had happened. In my attempt to try and make our already strained relationship a little better I had thrown another monkey wrench in the machine.
Let’s pause here momentarily to explain something. Me and my teacher aren’t on the same page. We never were and now I don’t believe that we will be. Last semester she had that one class that I didn’t care for and used as an off/catch up period. Now I have her 4 times on my schedule and one of those classes doesn’t even technically exist. The week before I had had a nice talk with her about how me and her had our differences and how I was hoping to work past them
Back in the office I held back tears and grabbed my knees to try and refocus myself. The admistrator told me my punishment; a in school suspension. The words echoed and shook the room around me. I looked down at the front of the desk as the administrator took her shots at me. “I thought you were a better student than this. Was I wrong about you?” yea paint me as a criminal why don’t you. I didn’t respond to her spin logic comments and I sat there trying to find my balance as I felt week in my set. She let me go but not after she ran out of degrading comments like that one. I don’t remember the rest of them.
Moral of the story? Never tell your teacher (or boss) what they are doing wrong, ever. Even if they ask you to. It’s not worth it and it never gets anything accomplished. Just give them a satisfactory grade and get it over with. I would tell you guys what I got in trouble for but I’m already sounding like a winey bitch; p soooooo I rather not. The point is that even if what I said was appropriate by my standards or your standards or anyone else standards if it’s deemed inappropriate then none of that matters. You’re screwed. So just don’t do it.
So yea im back to writing on this blog again guys ill add lyrics and stuff later and hopefully soon ill put my self made podcast up on here too. I got a lot of new ideas and some free time to do them in :D spread the word its gonna be epic!!!
So here I am and this is it. I’ll write up again on my blog like I used to about two years ago. Each time I’m in this class ill just pull up a word doc and just go to work on what’s on my mind. Not only will it help me become a better writer but it will help me blow off some steam like I kinda need to sometimes.
FOR EXAMPLE: The other day I was sitting here in my seat actually doing work towards my Eagle Scout rank which I will have by the end of the week when the school s administrator came and pulled me out of class. Back track here a few hours to when I was sitting in the same seat in a different class period. Here I was doing my work like I usually do and trying to do an especially good job with this particular assignment. The class was supposed to do a short editing assignment and at the end of said assignment give the teacher a one slide evaluation. When we were given the assignment me and some other students asked if there was anything we needed to talk about or any criteria or anything or blah blah blah. She said just evaluate her and I took this as an opportunity to tell her some of the things that I thought were wrong with the way she teaches.
Of course this is never a good idea. EVER. But in my perfect world what I expected was after I sent in my assignment then a dialogue would be started between each student and the teacher about what we critiqued her on and why we said the things we did. Maybe come to an agreement between us or something. God I was wrong.
Fast forward now to the office of the school administrator where I sat patiently waiting to hear what I had been summoned for. Usually when I am in the office I don’t expect the worse or that I am going to get in trouble. There I sat, listening attentively, eyes on the administrator, smile on my face… you know the usual behavior that I use when talking to adults respectively. She sits down at her desk and says that my teacher had called for her after I said some very disrespectful remarks to her in my assignment. Then and there my eyes went wide. I could feel the pupils shrink in each eye and the fight or flight since kick in. I concentrated to keep myself under control while I asked all the right questions trying to get to the bottom of this myself.
I didn’t understand. How can I get in trouble for saying what I did? My whole body went numb for a few seconds as I realized what had happened. In my attempt to try and make our already strained relationship a little better I had thrown another monkey wrench in the machine.
Let’s pause here momentarily to explain something. Me and my teacher aren’t on the same page. We never were and now I don’t believe that we will be. Last semester she had that one class that I didn’t care for and used as an off/catch up period. Now I have her 4 times on my schedule and one of those classes doesn’t even technically exist. The week before I had had a nice talk with her about how me and her had our differences and how I was hoping to work past them
Back in the office I held back tears and grabbed my knees to try and refocus myself. The admistrator told me my punishment; a in school suspension. The words echoed and shook the room around me. I looked down at the front of the desk as the administrator took her shots at me. “I thought you were a better student than this. Was I wrong about you?” yea paint me as a criminal why don’t you. I didn’t respond to her spin logic comments and I sat there trying to find my balance as I felt week in my set. She let me go but not after she ran out of degrading comments like that one. I don’t remember the rest of them.
Moral of the story? Never tell your teacher (or boss) what they are doing wrong, ever. Even if they ask you to. It’s not worth it and it never gets anything accomplished. Just give them a satisfactory grade and get it over with. I would tell you guys what I got in trouble for but I’m already sounding like a winey bitch; p soooooo I rather not. The point is that even if what I said was appropriate by my standards or your standards or anyone else standards if it’s deemed inappropriate then none of that matters. You’re screwed. So just don’t do it.
So yea im back to writing on this blog again guys ill add lyrics and stuff later and hopefully soon ill put my self made podcast up on here too. I got a lot of new ideas and some free time to do them in :D spread the word its gonna be epic!!!
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