Hey guys
I’m being super emo today just like I was yesterday. Yesterday it was worse by far but today is kinda bad too. I’m just having a rough time adjusting to my current situation. Back to being just me, back to the wall and the world on my shoulders. It’s not a very easy transition for me because I’ve become used to having support from the Mrs. I like being able to express myself to my other half. And now I don’t have a lot to say to nobody.
It’s not that she doesn’t want to talk to me. She does and we talk and stuff. It’s just that I don’t want to confide in her like I use to because now it’s just person to person instead of me to the most wonderful person on the face of the planet. Now I’m just like “ughhhhhh” all the time, even when she is talking to me.
I’m so lonely... no girlfriend, no girl to talk to, no way of finding new girl to talk to, no close friends to confide in, no cell phone, no nothing, just me. Yesterday I was at a restaurant eating with my family when this song came on my I-pod called nude by Radiohead, and a couple of things happened to me:
1.the lyrics made me sad as hell.
All the song talks about is how nothing matters cuz everything will break and nothing works and it never did and all of these things and it’s a good song but it’s also really sad. And immediately I started thinking about her and us and all of that and then the second thing happened
2.I remembered something from her
About a month ago we were sitting up listing to each other talk and having a blast in the middle of the night when we start talking about this very song. This song that already meant something to me before we talked about it meant a whole lot more now. This was one of our songs now and I stumbled onto that fact in a roundabout way.
As I listened to the lyrics I heard it. There’s this one part of the song where Thom York says “don’t care then, be honest, never gonna happen” and it always affects me in some way. This time tho instead of felling chills run down my spine I felt tears stream down my face and onto the table. Deep down somewhere i hear my voice say "i dont fall in love, love dosent exist." Thankfully the rest of my family was busy eating their hearts out so I just whipped it up with my sleeves.
The fact that I needed a new prom date didn’t help either. I spent the ride home wondering what I was going to do. I decided to go the rash and impulsive way and just announce over facebook that I needed a prom date. This initially wasn’t a good idea. Within a matter of seconds I didn’t get a good response from a facebook “friend” an old class mate of mine. But later I shut her up with the amount of date replies that I got. 5 messages and 1 Kirby who wouldn’t mind walking from San Antonio to Houston to be my prom date. That cheered me up quite a bit
But now I’m emo again because I’m still lonely. And hungry. Guys ima go find someone to talk to and some eats –looks at red haired Asian and thinks about my extra stash of food I brought-
I’ll be ok for a while.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
How’s it feel to be single?
Hey guys I’m back for another installment into my randomly updated blog and today ill like to talk about something recent. As some of you may know I am now currently single and it sucks. But before I get into all of that I wana get into this…
Q: “So, how does it feel to be single?”
A: “….”
Ok how the hell am I supposed to answer that? Seriously guys why would anyone ask such a difficult question? It’s really hard to find anything to say to this in any situation let alone my own for a few reasons.
1. A too happy answer makes you sound like a jerk
If your response is anything like “awesome”, or “pretty good” .or “sweet”, congratulations you’re a douche bag. You lose any credibility of being a human being with feelings. And maybe if you find a way to retain your credibility with a second comeback sentence you lose by not being compassionate for your ex’s feelings even if they’re the same. This response in general is not classy or good for yourself standing with your peers (unless you’re all jerks then in that case congrats on finding equally as retarded people to hang out with), or good for your ex’s psyche.
2. A sad answer makes you seem emo.
Sadly no matter how much you were emotionally invested in a relationship if it all falls apart and you respond with something like “f@#kng sucks” then everyone is going to assume that you are on the verge of becoming and/or already an emo. It’s a very quick and rash assumption but it’s one that people make every day and will keep making until taught otherwise. In my personal opinion I don’t see why you can’t express your negative feelings like this without people assuming the worse. If it were up to me then it would be whatever, but it is what it is.
3. A strait up neutral answer makes you seem disinterested.
Once again, if you wana sound like a jerk off say something along the lines of “ok” or “its fine I guess” with nothing more than a small smile. Being neutral makes you sound disinterested and this can be your reflection apon you’re ex. Where you disinterested in your ex? It sure sounds like it when you say something like this.
So what did I answer?
A: “it doesn’t”
I threw in a little humor. And it’s actually how I feel. I mean I don’t feel a billion times worse or better being single. I mean I would much rather be back with my girl… I don’t think that being single has a particular feeling to it. Well….. I guess you can say being single can be a synonym for being lonely, which is how I feel but other than that the word single doesn’t come with an exact feeling for me especially in this context.
wait you guys thought i was going to air my dirty laundry here? haha thats funny...
Q: “So, how does it feel to be single?”
A: “….”
Ok how the hell am I supposed to answer that? Seriously guys why would anyone ask such a difficult question? It’s really hard to find anything to say to this in any situation let alone my own for a few reasons.
1. A too happy answer makes you sound like a jerk
If your response is anything like “awesome”, or “pretty good” .or “sweet”, congratulations you’re a douche bag. You lose any credibility of being a human being with feelings. And maybe if you find a way to retain your credibility with a second comeback sentence you lose by not being compassionate for your ex’s feelings even if they’re the same. This response in general is not classy or good for yourself standing with your peers (unless you’re all jerks then in that case congrats on finding equally as retarded people to hang out with), or good for your ex’s psyche.
2. A sad answer makes you seem emo.
Sadly no matter how much you were emotionally invested in a relationship if it all falls apart and you respond with something like “f@#kng sucks” then everyone is going to assume that you are on the verge of becoming and/or already an emo. It’s a very quick and rash assumption but it’s one that people make every day and will keep making until taught otherwise. In my personal opinion I don’t see why you can’t express your negative feelings like this without people assuming the worse. If it were up to me then it would be whatever, but it is what it is.
3. A strait up neutral answer makes you seem disinterested.
Once again, if you wana sound like a jerk off say something along the lines of “ok” or “its fine I guess” with nothing more than a small smile. Being neutral makes you sound disinterested and this can be your reflection apon you’re ex. Where you disinterested in your ex? It sure sounds like it when you say something like this.
So what did I answer?
A: “it doesn’t”
I threw in a little humor. And it’s actually how I feel. I mean I don’t feel a billion times worse or better being single. I mean I would much rather be back with my girl… I don’t think that being single has a particular feeling to it. Well….. I guess you can say being single can be a synonym for being lonely, which is how I feel but other than that the word single doesn’t come with an exact feeling for me especially in this context.
wait you guys thought i was going to air my dirty laundry here? haha thats funny...
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I need to make music dammit!!!
Ok so it’s been a little too long since I last wrote a song and even longer since I last recorded some music. To my fans and friends who are wondering I want to apologies for being out of it for so long. I haven’t even posted a note on facebook in forever and I used to do that like all the time. Things are changing for me in ways I don’t quite understand. I don’t have the same vigor towards the same subject s that concerned me before. I guess it’s why I started calling myself something different in conjunction with my original emcee name, prof-b (pronounced Professor b). Now I’m known as not only Prof-B but as Apollo. (The name is a story for another time entirely)
I think it is a safe assumption to say that my style is developing as an artist and that I do not quite grasp what direction I am going. I seem to be sea weed drifting between the changing currents of the oceans wondering where I will land. The only think I know is where I have been as an artist so I guess I’ll go from there.
I started rapping as a way to escape. I made music because it was something to do in class back in 7th grade. I always knew one thing from the very beginning, I wanted to be different. My taste in music has changed and my style has repeatedly changed but I still hold on to that one true desire to be different than everyone. Original. Unique. Hell weird would even do it. I soon found a niche in rap and stuck too it I wanted to enrich. I wanted to show and teach anyone who would listen, the wrongs of the world and the ways to be better as people. You know, stop aids, cure hunger, all of those rainbows and unicorns. That was me sometime around the end of 8th grade. I wanted big things and I rode a high horse. Back then I want to admit that the world was still black and white. Every evil was outlined every right was shown. Overtime I have found the grey, all of it. The genocides, oppressions, destruction, covert annihilation, doomsday, the cast system, and the very first understanding that other religions are as valid as my own, steam rolled one by one into my consciousness and into my life.
Looking back I see this as the first real push from my analytical and book consciousness into my now artistical and world consciousness. I went from learning to understanding and in a very short time frame. In my southmore and junior year I made yet another transition from my very thoughtful person to one of very high running emotions. I believe this was best described in a line I wrote “I once wrote raps to impress my friends, now I make songs to make the bad dreams end”. Now though the bad dreams are gone, so where do I go from here?
So basically I wrote this to explain where I was, were I am and where I’m going. I’ve answered 2/3 that’s passing right?
As far as my hiatus goes I’m not sure why I stopped or when everything will come back so that I can keep on making music but I do want to make 2 songs I already drew up. One of them is about a year old and the other about 4 months. When I’m done I’ll let you know. Till then this is Prof-b aka Apollo sining out, dazed and confused…
I think it is a safe assumption to say that my style is developing as an artist and that I do not quite grasp what direction I am going. I seem to be sea weed drifting between the changing currents of the oceans wondering where I will land. The only think I know is where I have been as an artist so I guess I’ll go from there.
I started rapping as a way to escape. I made music because it was something to do in class back in 7th grade. I always knew one thing from the very beginning, I wanted to be different. My taste in music has changed and my style has repeatedly changed but I still hold on to that one true desire to be different than everyone. Original. Unique. Hell weird would even do it. I soon found a niche in rap and stuck too it I wanted to enrich. I wanted to show and teach anyone who would listen, the wrongs of the world and the ways to be better as people. You know, stop aids, cure hunger, all of those rainbows and unicorns. That was me sometime around the end of 8th grade. I wanted big things and I rode a high horse. Back then I want to admit that the world was still black and white. Every evil was outlined every right was shown. Overtime I have found the grey, all of it. The genocides, oppressions, destruction, covert annihilation, doomsday, the cast system, and the very first understanding that other religions are as valid as my own, steam rolled one by one into my consciousness and into my life.
Looking back I see this as the first real push from my analytical and book consciousness into my now artistical and world consciousness. I went from learning to understanding and in a very short time frame. In my southmore and junior year I made yet another transition from my very thoughtful person to one of very high running emotions. I believe this was best described in a line I wrote “I once wrote raps to impress my friends, now I make songs to make the bad dreams end”. Now though the bad dreams are gone, so where do I go from here?
So basically I wrote this to explain where I was, were I am and where I’m going. I’ve answered 2/3 that’s passing right?
As far as my hiatus goes I’m not sure why I stopped or when everything will come back so that I can keep on making music but I do want to make 2 songs I already drew up. One of them is about a year old and the other about 4 months. When I’m done I’ll let you know. Till then this is Prof-b aka Apollo sining out, dazed and confused…
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